TerrorVision

Another high-camp schlockfest from Charles Band productions, though even campier than normal. One would even think it's supposed to be a kid's movie except for the pervasive sexual humor. What a romp. TerrorVision: You just have to see it to believe it.

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TerrorVision (1986)

Episode 267, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw

Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd:This week, we’re going full on camp. This film, uh, I chose it’s called TerrorVision. It’s from 1986. This is one that was on the video store shelves. Quite a bit, has a very iconic, I think, iconic looking cover. Did you ever see that cover? Do you, did you remember it? 

Craig: I don’t think so. Really. 

Todd: Oh, okay. I read in the trivia that the cover was designed for, the poster was designed before the movie was even written.

Yeah. So. Clearly it, it inspired the movie dolls was like that to another Charles band production, right? That we, this is a Charles band production. So this is what we get his output is a bit uneven tends to be campy, very low budget, but still a lot of the money that they spend on it really goes up on screen.

There’s a lot of special effects in this film. I don’t know. I, uh, my, my history with this is that my dad had rented it for me once when I was a kid. I’m not really sure why I was pretty young when I watched it. I do remember that it’s rated R but it’s a horror comedy. And maybe the only thing I can think of is that it’s also a bit Saifai.

And so my dad, I think at the time, figured this would be the kind of movie we could watch together. Cause he would also enjoy it. And I know. Okay. For first of all, I hadn’t seen it since then. I mean, I haven’t seen it since I was probably. Okay. And then now that I’ve seen, I read it, I, I realized that most of the jokes in this movie and it is crammed full of jokes, really lame jokes went right over my head.

Now that I watch as an adult, I’m like, I can’t believe my, my dad had me watch this.

I mean, full of sexual innuendo, dumb sexual innuendo imagery, and stuff. It’s got some pretty gross moments, but I guess you could say it’s not gory because all the gross Ines, it seems like they did a pretty God. I am floundering here to introduce this movie because it is just a silly. Can’t be done.

Movie. Yeah. 

Craig: It’s one of the dumbest movies you’ve ever made me watch. 

Todd: I mean, what’s funny is I remember it as a kid, again, I’m just flashing back to these little things that I remember as a kid. And I just remember it being really off the wall kind of nutso. And so I thought, oh, this will be kind of fun and unique for us to watch.

And then when we sit down and we watch it, it’s like, Ugh, this is dumb. But the problem is it’s, it’s intentionally dumb. They’re really trying hard to be strict. And it’s working. So it’s going to be hard to talk about, I think maybe not, but I mean, you know, how can we look at a movie like this critically?

What can we say about it? It’s not saying anything. It’s not trying hard to even be anything 

Craig: but stupid. Right. Which is why, like I can, I always think it’s really sweet when you talk about your dad running things for you guys to watch together, because I know that he’s not a big horror fan, but he knew he knew that you were.

And so he would, you know,

Yeah. And told you, and that’s really nice. And I’ve, I’ve only had the opportunity to talk to your dad a couple of times, but he just seems like a really nice guy. I understand why seeing it at eight, aside from all the sexual innuendo innuendo of which there is all a lot, it, it seems like a kid’s movie.

Like, it seems, it seems like, uh, Invaders from Mars or I don’t know something along those lines. I mean, one of the central protagonists is a kid, a young kid, and it’s goofy looking monsters, killing people and goofy ways. Like you said, it’s not particularly violent. I mean, there’s a little bit of gore, but it’s not realistic gore.

It’s it’s like, no, right. Green Google all the time. Yeah. It’s just goo like you don’t really see any violence. You just kind of see aftermath of what happens when this monster attacks people. And it basically just, you know, turns them into. Puddles of sludge and, and it’s slimy and gooey, but it’s not scary.

And I can see a little kid liking the movie, but, but then it is just weird. There’s also all of the there’s, so it’s so much sex comedy and just like goofy sex comedy and not, not in any way, titillating or sexy, just like ridiculous. 

Todd: I mean, In the minds of the people making this. I mean, what were they going for?

This is my question, because on the one hand, when I started it up and I was watching it and I thought, well, this kind of has its pedigree in the types of movies that my dad had me watch. A lot of those black and white, 1950 style scifi films, which were often really silly, like. They were campy. They were certain kind of camp they were trying, but you know, they were just be movies.

And those are even referenced in this film, Tara vision. It’s kind of about this alien that gets beamed into this family’s house via the television. And you would think that, oh, they’re making some social commentary about television and all that. I mean, this is the mid eighties, right? So it’s all. Kind of a prime television time anyway, MTV was coming out and they even Dave, and talk about that.

And, and, and so it seems ripe for some kind of social commentary on television, but it there’s none. No, there isn’t really any, then. It’s so scifi III and I mean, it starts out in the planet Pluton or something, and there’s a, there’s a fake looking, a really fake looking model of the planet and this sort of goofy thing, which is it’s the mutant sanitation, the mutant disposal unit something.

Yeah. And it’s this guy that looks like a cling on his beams, this alien. This big, ugly, gooey looking monster. And it bounces off of the planets. It’s like beams it out as an electrical animation, electrical spark animation. And then it bounces Blaine, boiling, boiling, boiling, like a pin ball among all these planets before coming to earth.

And so then I’m thinking I’m watching this and I’m thinking, oh, so this is supposed to be kind of a throwback to those campy movies, but then it, the family. Is just so weird and the acting is over the top, trying to be bad. The 

Craig: intentional, yeah, it’s intentional. It’s all 

Todd: intentionally dumb and goofy and silly and bad.

So it’s not, it doesn’t even work as a throwback to those movies, which were earnest, you know, they were bad. But they were earnest. And 

Craig: so I know it is, I’ve been nervous about what we’re going to say. Um, because the plot basically just comes down to the monster beams itself into their house via the television, and then hi-jinks and SU VN, like that’s, there’s not much to talk about.

Oh, there’s a lot to talk about, I guess. I don’t know. Um, I know they are, but what I was going to say was when I saw that bad, um, other planet set, which, you know, clearly looked like a model that, you know, some effects crew had put together just hodgepodging things together. Like one part. Is a model of the star ship enterprise just flipped upside down and like kind of modified.

And I wouldn’t have noticed that, but then when I read it, I’m like, oh yeah, I totally see that now. Um, when I first saw all that, I’m like, oh, this could be fun. You know, it reminded me of, um, was it galaxy of terror that we watched with Aaron? Yeah, where they had, you know, those same similar, cheap looking, but kind of fun looking set pieces and backdrops and things of that.

Okay. That’s what we’re getting into, but we leave space immediately and come to earth where we meet this family and everybody in this family, except for the grandpa who I didn’t look into, but everybody in the family. There’s a mom and the dad, um, Raquel and Stanley. And then there’s two kids, Sherman who is young, like a, uh, a young boy played by Chad Allen, who was really the only one who I really recognized.

Cause he ended up doing a lot of TV in the house. Uh, he was on, um, that show our house with Deidre hall and so recognizable the old guy from the thing. I can’t think of his name, but Wilford room. Yeah. He was on that show. He, I think he was on my two dads, which I really liked for shadow. Um, but, uh, and then there’s a sister who’s.

Susie. And I don’t have written down the name of the girl who played her done. Diane Franklin. Who’s been in a lot of stuff that we’ve seen. She was in, um, Amityville too. 

Todd: Yeah. She 

Craig: boned her brother. Right. And she’s been in lots of things. The mom. Uh, Mary Woronov ha has a very striking appearance. She’s very tall and she has very sharp features.

She’s she’s beautiful. I mean, she’s kind of exotic is not the right word, but she has a very, you know, unique look. Um, and she’s been in touch. And some horror movies. If you’re a horror movie fan, you are going to recognize this lady and the dad, Garrett Graham. I didn’t even look at the stuff that he’s been in, but I know that I’ve seen him in a million things.

He has a really distinctive face. 

Todd: Oh yeah. He has almost 200 credits on IMDP. The guy’s been all over the place. 

Craig: And I wouldn’t even say I was getting ready to say, but I wouldn’t even say it’s full of all these famous people. Well, they’re not really super famous. They just work a lot, which is great. And, you know, commendable, but seriously having seen most of these people and other things you just have to know from the get go that they are hammering.

Up on purpose, like ridiculous over the top reactions to everything, the dialogue is just silly and stupid and they deliver it with such enthusiasm, like kudos. Kudos to you for doing what you were clearly here to do. They were making a dumb movie and they knew it. And eventually, uh, the girl who, you know, is super eighties, like punk, like slash Madonna, Cindy lopper, right?

Inspired, huge hair, all different colors, like the two, two skirts. And, and I mean, it’s great. Eighties. I love that bit. 

Todd: The kinds of things she’s saying, like grody and, and I mean, this is full of eighties slang and that was fun for me. 

Craig: Well, I feel like it’s full of real eighties slang, but then also slang that nobody ever did use.

But it sounds so eighties that like you get the aesthetic, like eventually she has. Uh, boyfriend, I guess, for lack of a better word, this guy, his name is O D okay. His word for cool is rude. Like, oh man, that’s so rude. Like, and he plays like a cross between like a heavy metal guy slash valley girl in the way that he talks,

you got to come in my pants. Want to meet you? Uh, well, what a drag and even him, even him, I recognized I’m like, who is that guy? His name’s John Grise. And he is a working actor. He has done a whole lot. Um, ultimately what I ended up recognizing him for. Was one of my favorite eighties movies, real genius with Val Kilmer.

I loved, I still love that movie. He, I don’t remember what the name of his character was, but he played this weird guy that like, In the underground system, underneath the dorms of the college in this movie. And again, I’ve seen him in other stuff and I’ve seen that he really can act like we’re not talking, you know, Royal Shakespeare company, but he’s capable of acting.

And in this it’s just hammy and it’s just, I think it’s hard for me to get on board with it. In a movie. If I’m seeing a, if I’m seeing a play live in a theater and it’s slapstick and it’s goofy. And over the top, I am on board. Like I am thinking, oh, look at these actors and, you know, going above and beyond to be silly and make me laugh.

And there’s something about that live experience where you’re in an audit. And the other people around you are laughing. And so you laugh because it’s so silly. Meanwhile, I’m sitting and watching this movie at work on my brain. Like this is so fucking stupid. Uh, it was hard to get on board with, and it’s a short movie and it was too long.

Todd: This movie felt like ages. I could not believe that it was short, only a hundred minutes. Is that right? No less. No, it’s an hour and 24 minutes. And it felt like two and a half hours. It was, it was a nightmare. And you know, I don’t know. I. It’s just the way you can describe it as this, just like all the obvious jokes are thrown out.

That’s what makes them bad, right? Like there’s a Medusa on, uh, sorry. There’s a woman like a horror host that pops on television that becomes a character in the movie later. And instead like Elvira, except her name is Medusa. And at one point. The flips on the screen and grandpa sees her and he goes, well, 

Craig: you look at those Hooters, holy tomato.

Todd: I mean, that is what we’re talking about here. It’s so weird that this movie goes to such great pains to avoid cursing and swearing that it uses really childish substitutions and anywhere it can be thrown in it’s it’s. You know, so people were saying my goodness, 

Craig: oh God. Yeah. It’s, it’s just, it’s a struggle.

It’s a struggle to eat. No, what to talk about? So here’s my proposal. Let’s, let’s just real quick layout the plot. And then let’s just talk about some of the interesting or funny things. Okay. So, um, the plot is this alien. Monster gets inadvertently sent to earth and it comes to them via their TV satellite.

And as soon as it like through a bolt of what looks like they assume is lightning like a, an electrical surge or something, and it goes directly into their satellite. And before that their satellite wasn’t really working, but now all of a sudden it’s getting great reception from all over the world. But it also gets weird stuff.

Like just these images of these giant monstrous eyes, looking out and stuff, and like images of these big monsters and they think it’s programming, but they also think that it’s weird because like, nothing’s happening. Like it’s just an eye looking around and the image of a monster. And I looking at them or what.

They also get like foreign TV porn, which, which they all stand around and watch together for a while. Like what, like turn the channel, your children are there. 

Todd: Well, come on these parents though, they’re 

Craig: not going to tell. I know, I know. I know. And will, that’s one of the things that I want to get to, but so eventually.

Uh, the parents leave and the sister leaves on the date. And so it’s just the son and the grandpa there. And the monster comes out of the TV, scares them, chases them around in the silliest fashion. And I say, chases, it doesn’t really 

Todd: there. One minute has gone the next, I think it’s zapping in and out of the TV.

Yeah. And they have these televisions all over the house. And so that’s kind of how it’s moving around. 

Craig: Well, and when it does appear and you see it, it’s all practical. It’s a big, it looks like huge. Yeah. And it reminds me of, oh, I don’t even know. It’s just a big gooey pile, like a big red wet dewy 

Todd: pile.

Yeah. It’s like the thing, a little shop of horrors. What was that one movie we watched? With that thing in the basement. I don’t remember, 

Craig: but that’s what I was thinking of too. That pack of the 

Todd: it’s a billion teeth and looked like a Dick. Yeah. 

Craig: Yeah. And it’s got this one looks more like a pilot crap, but it’s got like three eyes on its face.

And then it’s also got like a. With an eye on it that can move around and it changes all the time. Like it can shoot different things out of its mouth. Like it has one tongue that like is obviously a goal. I love that digits that can, you know, grab things and stuff. At one point it shoots out almost like an alien esque, something out of its mouth that also has a head in the mouth and like eats somebody’s face and yeah.

Um, and so it’s not really mobile. Like it can move around and they suggest that it’s moving, like chasing people, but you don’t really see it because it’s really just the. Prop, I’m sure with several people in their puppets here, bring it, it chases them all around the house. It ends up eating the grandpa.

The parents ended up coming back and bringing home a couple of swingers with them. Which again, I want to talk about, I just feel like we can race through the block cause it’s so easy. It kills the parents and the. Um, the sister and the boyfriend come home, uh, and then like they get attacked by it, but then they domestic, yeah.

Todd: Start 

Craig: the movie, takes a dog, eating it. 

Todd: All of a 

Craig: sudden they even make an ETA. Um, and like they feed it, like start teaching it how to talk and it can say words like TV and they teach it as names and stuff, but then it goes crazy again and it eats the boyfriend. And then the sister and the brother called the TV host Medusa and ask her to come.

Oh, uh, eventually aliens. What? 

Todd: Yeah, annotation worker who beamed him down there in the first place. Who’s who’s been coming on the television repeatedly throughout 

Craig: giving Warren warnings 

Todd: to earth or whatever, like shut off your TVs and close down your satellite dishes. 200 years for 200 years, James himself in there, and he’s talking to the kids and he’s like, okay, I’m going to go get it.

And Medusa pops in and thinks that he’s going to attack the kids. And so she whacks him over the head. I love that part actually, that was funny and instantly killed. This guy is funny. 

Craig: Cause she breaks like he’s wearing like a full, like a dome over his head and she breaks it and it light. Not pressure.

Todd: It explodes it’s there. And then when he falls to the ground, the kid goes over there. It was like, wake up, wake up, stay 

Craig: with me.

Todd: Yeah. Inside that dome. 

Craig: And they’re like, and the kids are like, what are you doing? You killed him. And she’s like, ah, I saved you. And they’re like, no, he was the only one who could save us. And then the monster burst through the wall and he’s got like vacuum power, which bag seen before. Like he can suck things in.

And so he starts sucking everything in and like we see Medusa and the brother and sister. Like struggling against it. And then it cuts to black and then it’s the next morning and Medusa’s driver or producer or whatever is asleep in the car. And, uh, we see the monster claw, wake him up. And then, um, it’s like the Medusa monster, because what this monster can do is it can like eat things and then like assimilate them into its own body and, and kind of like.

Mimic them or whatever. Um, and so the very last scene is half Medusa, half monster, and she’s like, get me to the studio stat. And then that’s the end. That is the whole plot.

Todd: I think we fulfilled our duty here. Haven’t we? I 

Craig: mean, yeah. And, and honestly, that’s all you need to know. You don’t need to watch them 

Todd: fast 

Craig: forward through it. If you want. Now you can tell your friends what it’s about and that’s it. But some of the funny, ridiculous things, one of my favorite things is that this is all staged on a set that is meant to be so the, the directors or producers or whoever.

Scouted all of these Los Angeles, swingers bars and swingers pads, um, because the parents are swingers to design the aesthetic of this house. And the aesthetic of this house is insane. No children like like the department of children and family services should be called. Because no children should be raised in this house where every wall is decorated in like wallpaper, but like,

art deco, 

Todd: like really tasteful porn, weird abstracted, Salvador, Dali stuff of like boobs, stick it out of towers and things on every wall. And then it also has that kind of Roman aesthetic as well. Oh, they also have a pool, an indoor pool. This house goes on forever. This house is massive. I want to know what they do for a living.

Craig: An indoor pool, which it is because it is like the size of a small pool, but it’s also like a jacuzzi and that’s there, that’s the parents, what do they call it? Their pleasure dome or their pleasure palace or something like that. Pleasure to home

nutrition, architects. Greek influenced Roman guy Roman all the way then like this, the daughter at one point after she introduces ODI to the parents, she’s like, can we use the jacuzzi later? And the mom’s like, no, we might be swinging later. Like, just talk about this stuff in front of their kids. And they bring sweet.

Couple’s home with them while their kids are there. Like, and, and the grandpa lives with them and he has. A fallout bunker. Yes. 

Todd: Ramp is like tired veteran or something, and he’s a little crazy and he’s kind of a survivalist thing. And he’s doing this thing, which I actually thought was going to come into play later about lizard tails, he’s going on and on about lizard tails and how they regenerate themselves.

And so they’re an endless source of food and protein, and this is what we’re all gonna need to eat, you know? The bomb gets dropped. And so he’s got like a little business going, I guess, where he’s raising these lizards and making lizard tail jerky. And I thought that was going to like actually come into play and not just be a quirky thing that grandpa does, but it didn’t 

Craig: no, you just see his tank full of lizards.

At some point, but I did. I mean, a little stuff like that. It’s goofy. It’s funny to talk about, but in the context of the whole thing, it’s like, ah, it’s like, it’s just so gross or like, oh, okay, good. He and the, the grandson sit watching TV, eating their lizard, tail jerky. And he tells the whole story about, like you said, how it always regenerate.

So it’s an endless supplier or whatever. Yeah. It’s gross and stupid. It’s on its own. It’s funny. But just in the grand context of this ridiculous movie, it’s just like, you’re just rolling your eyes constantly, but yeah, like, so the house, it has all of that stuff and it’s. I think that we’re supposed to think that these people are at least well to do.

Cause like you said, it’s a big house. It’s got a pool inside. It’s got a fountain, like an Aphrodite fountain where water shoots out of her nipples. Yeah. And this is just all out unfold display for everybody to see. They’re proud of it. Uh, the kids like just act like it’s nothing, like, I guess they live there.

So whatever 

Todd: then leads itself to a ton of sex jokes. And I feel like it’s more of a sex comedy, a bad sex comedy than anything, because most of what we described to you as the plot kind of revolves around these parents who brought their swinger guys home. One of them is a at first I thought he was funny.

But then he turns out he’s Greek ha, 

Craig: which he makes a huge deal out of. Oh my God. Gosh. 

Todd: That whole bit was tortured. It’s torture watching some of this stuff. It’s they bring this to this other couple over and she has this real high mousy voice. And he’s like, uh, I don’t know, like fantasy island, who was the guy on fantasy island, Ricardo.

Oh, gosh, he has that air. Yeah. Yeah. And he has that air about them. And also that look to him and the parents are just taking them around and showing them the place. And it’s these rooms go on and on and they’re making all these jokes and they’re these insinuations and they’re showing them the television and his, all of, you know, he’s.

Uh, these giant remotes with 15 buttons and knobs and things on them and a little mini satellite dish of their own around the house, which he also uses to control like the mood lighting and the stereo system. And it’s cute because it’s it’s eighties, you know, so it 

Craig: is, but when, but when you say giant rock.

I imagine that people are thinking of like their great big, huge cable company remote. No, this is like a console bigger than a shoe box. Yeah. Like it’s, it’s he be on a desk and it’s plugged into the wall. Yeah.

So 

Todd: silly. And they just, 

Craig: they eventually they did. Like at one point ha it’s so dumb. Like, because the monster, when the, uh, other alien eventually arrives, he explains to them that these creatures are called hungry beasts and on his planet, they’re domestic house pets like cats and dogs. But, but if they eat like another organism and mutate, when you take action occurs, they must be exterminated at one.

You mean, like he was somebody’s pet. Oh yes. They’re very lovable before they mutate. Okay. But like, how did it get here in our house? In the extermination process, they are converted to pure energy beam, to the farthest reaches of the universe. It’s really a very safe form of waste disposal, except for the fact that it got zapped into your house and made destroy your.

At first, the monster, you know, is just oozing around eating, whoever comes in contact with, but then once the kid’s domesticated, then it’s like the movie kind of tries to make it cute. And it’s cute for a while, but then it sees he’s the other alien on TV. And I guess that triggers it. So it freaks out and it kills the boyfriend, but then it just goes and hangs out in the pool and watches TV.

Laughs at the TV, it’s just hanging out 

Todd: like 1952 monster movies and just watching TV while, while the kids are just 

Craig: roaming around watching a yeah. Watching alien invasion B movies and laughing at the UFO’s, like crashing into the Washington monument and the white house and stuff like that. Oh, super funny.

But eventually the kid Sherman, um, like tries to sneak up on him. By the way through this whole movie, this kid who can’t be more than like eight is walking around with a machine. Yes. The 

Todd: whole time he ever leaves his hands. I don’t think it ever leaves us, even when they’re domesticating it it’s his sister and her boyfriend who were out in the front, like trying to feed it food and stuff like that.

Food. 

Craig: This is called food. It’s good for you. Y’all check it out, dude.

Nice one. 

Todd: And he’s still behind them between them pointing a machine gun at this thing. 

Craig: And there’s at least one point where they’re fleeing from the monster and. The sister is fleeing first, then Sherman then. Oh, so Odie is between the monster and Sherman and Sherman is just opening fire with his machine.

And Odie even says, don’t shoot me, dude.

That’s crazy. Crazy time. But eventually, um, Sherman like drops that enormous. Remote control into the pool and it like, electrocutes the monster, but the monster is seemingly indestructable. They can shoot it with a machine gun. They can do all kinds of, they can electrocute it, they can do all kinds of things.

Um, and nothing works. Um, the whole swingers thing, uh, it just, it just cracked me up. Like that scene was maybe the worst of all of them. It was one of the only ones that I kind of chuckled at. Like the parents are ridiculous in themselves, but then they bring home these swingers and like, it’s so silly.

Like, uh, the, the dad is just ogling cherry you’re right. It’s this little vice. And she talks like this. It’s and she’s an actress. I don’t know what kind of actress she is, but supposedly she’s an actress. And then the typical smarmy European that we saw in eighties movies all the time, like this exact same guy could have played this exact same role.

Yeah. It does an eighties movie. Yeah. And 

Todd: he probably did. He’s got a credits too. He’s got a ton of credits. Chondro Ray, 

Craig: God 

Todd: spear bureau. He’s like, I make a wonderful margarita. Yeah. 

Craig: Do you have any ouzo 

Todd: then he goes and he’s pouring drinks for them, which is just pouring liquor from one bottle. All the way up to the top of these glasses and then drops little umbrellas in each one.

I guess this was supposed to be funny, right? It’s supposed to be fun. He is talking with the wife while the fathers has left for a little while and the Sherry is off, I think, at the pool hanging out. Oh yeah. She goes off, hanging out with the father and she’s talking to Spiro and Spiro is sort of starting to hint at how.

Nice looking Stanley is or whatever like that. And he’s like, what? You don’t mean you can’t, you 

Craig: can’t gloss over this. It’s the only funny joke

he’s like, so telling me is Stanley eman, the man. Oh 

Todd: God. Yes. A real 

Craig: stallion. No. What I mean is does Stanley take it like an eye? Yeah. I guess, so I thought so. And what about you spear out? Are you a veal manly man? It is in the spirit of zeros. Is the manliest of men. Spiro. Do you think that maybe I could have a little sneak preview?

Yeah. Has there been some misunderstanding?

What do you mean? Well, I’m Greek, you know? Oh, of course. You’re Greek. It said so in the classifies. Oh, don’t worry. We’re not prejudiced. No, you don’t understand. I am into Greek Greek culture. I like boyish. Stommelen lays such a man.

Like all Greeks are gay. Oh my God. It’s so funny and stupid. But as soon as I heard him say, Kenny, Take it like a man. I like, oh my God. That is so stupid. And so funny. That was the only part that I thought was really funny. Yeah. 

Todd: Well, what’s hilarious is she’s like, um, um, oh, there’s going to be a problem. I need to tell Stanley and then Stanley comes in and he leaves and she’s like, um, Stanley there’s something you should know.

Blah-blah-blah in the meantime. The girls getting eaten by somebody by the monster at the pool. We 

Craig: don’t see it. We don’t see that. Um, but that scene though, I kind of liked 

Todd: because, oh, that seems good. But just a second Stanley. And uh, his wife are chatting and she’s already told him this and he, he looks at her, he goes, oh, well, I’m just going to have to go and have a talk with him about the facts of life.

And I’m thinking what happened to this incredibly open-minded couple here. Right? Then they goes in and there’s the pool. And the pool looks like. Crap. It’s all the stuff. And Stanley says, 

Craig: what the hell did that hobo do to the Jacos?

Todd: I almost fell off the sofa.

Craig: That was funny that right before that. Okay. So what’s, what’s his name? Spiro Stanley comes in where Spiro and Raquel are and Raquel says, oh, Spiro may be better take Raquel. Her Drake she’s in the pool. So Spiro goes in there and she is in the pool and she’s sitting at the end of it seductively, but now as never before the pool is covered in a dense layer of fog, And it actually looked kind of like, we didn’t see what happened, but you know what happened because we’ve already seen that the monster, once it eats, somebody can mimic them.

We saw that with the grandpa. And so you assume that that’s not really cherry at the end of the pool. Um, it’s, it’s the monster. And so Spiro takes off his clothes. Both these men end up. Glorious eighties, Speedos, which I thought was hilarious. And he’s ripped too, man. He, well, 

Todd: okay. You didn’t notice, oddly enough, 

Craig: I wasn’t 

Todd: shocked.

I must’ve been looking away at Facebook at that point or something. There’s two, 

Craig: I guess maybe I was just too hypnotized by the magic of the speed up to now. Um, but like Spiro. Uh, gets into the pool with her and he sits down and he’s like, eh, what is this algae? And he pulls up this slimy goo out of the pool and he’s like, oh, maybe it’s sex lubricant.

And then. He starts making his way seductively towards her. And clearly his sexuality is very fluid. Good for him for being open. Cause he, uh, is he, he’s saying to cherry, maybe we should just have a quickie real quick before they get back. And he’s slowly easing towards them and she’s basically just sitting there, but very seductive, like you can only see her hands, but her head is 

Todd: also kind of bobbing and moving in a very unnatural way, which I think.

Was a nice touch. I actually thought that was super creepy in a movie where there’s not much of that. It was really 

Craig: well, and it was subtle in a movie where there’s no subtlety, right? Yeah. It was, it was moving kind of unnaturally. Right. Relatively subtle. And it was kind of, it was effective. I agree with you, but right.

As he gets close to her, these giant jaws jump up out of the water around him and clap around him. And it reminded me of Tokyo gore police. Tokyo.

like the alligator vagina totally got him and then they’re dead. And then, yeah. And like you said, the other two come in and, and the parents come in and see that the pool is all gross. And then they’re like, wait, is there something in there? And then they just stand there and shocked horror as the monster jumps up.

Um, Then we cut back to the kids who are in the bunker, I think, and they hear their parents screaming. Most of these deaths happen off screen, or the beginning of them happen. Like you see the giant jaws clap around. Spiro or whatever, but that’s it. I mean, you don’t see blood, you don’t see, you don’t see people like agonizing in pain.

I mean, it 

Todd: just happens a little bit like grandpa’s death was, you know, that thing clamped his head and it had a shot of his head almost like cave in right. His face kind of collapsed. And the green goo was sort of flowing out of him and stuff. So there’s 

Craig: a little, that was probably the best special effects was grandpa’s face.

Uh, Not, I don’t know. It’s like a melted off. I know it’s kind of, it’s 

Todd: like a balloon peeled off lapsing. I’ve thought of it more of like a balloon cooler. 

Craig: Yeah. But again, but, but no blood, the only thing that you see is like green goo, no blood ever. So then it’s basically just the kids trying to figure out what they’re going to do.

And, um, before they find the monster. Just as soon as the sister and her boyfriend get back, the, the kid is trying to tell them that there’s a monster and a grandpa and an eight mom and dad or something. I don’t know. The sister and the brother are just looking around the house and they end up at the parents bedroom and they knock on the door.

Cause they hear something in there. They. End up opening it and they see now mind you, all of these people have already been eaten. They see the mom and the dad in bed with the swingers and the sisters like, Ooh, mom and dad. That’s gross. They’re like, I don’t even remember 

Todd: what they said.

Craig: And then 

Todd: grandpa’s head pops up underneath the covers right here, sweetie. Just taking 

Craig: care of business, grandpa that’s nasty. And then they just closed the door. Like that was weird.

When the grandpa popped up, I left from under the covers, like. What were you doing over there? Like

Todd: that was the funniest part of the movie. I thought that was the only actual joke I thought landed. 

Craig: I agree with you. And that part reminded me of society. Yes. And I actually think that this movie has a lot in common with society. Um, but society as weird, it’s one of the weirdest movies I’ve ever seen, but as weird a movie as it is in terms of quality.

Above and beyond 

Todd: this, that’s interesting, 

Craig: right? Yeah. But it’s different approaches. Like this movie is clearly going for the comedy, whereas that movie was going for the shock value. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. But, but they both had kind of overacting odd campiness. But it was, it also was kind of held up, uh, unease know it was like a structure that sort of just held up a weird unease about the movie.

And like you said, at the end of the day, it got really shocking and there was mystery to it. I mean, there was a real plot there. Yeah. And, and this it’s like, this is like a couple of 13 year olds, you know, sat down and wrote this book. 

Craig: Which is fine. Like I was trying to think about what I was going to say about it, because I would, I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would ever watch this movie again, but I was trying to think when would be the appropriate time to watch this movie, if you were intentionally seeking out, like let’s get a bunch of buddies together and let’s have a, a bad movie.

This would be fine for that. You know, like if, if the whole point was that you just wanted to goof on something, um, then there’s plenty of material here for that it’s silly and, and stupid. And, but I almost can’t even be too critical of it because. I know that these actors and actresses are talented. I’m not gonna say that, you know, they’re award worthy actors and actresses, but they are consistently working performers.

They know what they’re doing and they know what they’re doing in this movie. It’s schlock. It’s stupid. That’s what they’re going through. And if that’s what you’re in the mood for then great. I didn’t know what I was getting into, you know, I was just going into it to watch a movie and I just don’t, I wasn’t in the right mindset.

Todd: Yeah. But it’s not AB it’s not naked gun, you know? I mean, naked gun is dumb juvenile humor, but there’s something way more sophisticated about it. The timing is good. The jokes are. Somehow they land and this is totally not. It’s like, they’re not even trying to land. I don’t know. I’m finding it really hard to describe, to be honest.

Yeah. But once you see it you’ll know, Hey, by the way, while you’re watching this, did you, uh, get the overwhelming urge to pop up at a Heineken 

Craig: heinie? Yeah, I, I wish I had. Like 12. 

Todd: And he was like one of the first lines in the movie when dad was out in the back, setting up that giant satellite dish was, Hey, hand me a high.

And here I am, I’m at a heinie. And then another guy comes in. He’s like, I’m going to get a heinie. And they’re sitting there drinking Heineken two or three times during the rest of the movie, they keep getting a heinie or picking up a heinie. And then during the Medusa call, when, when the kid calls the Medusa, the second time she’s sitting there on the phone and she calls.

For a Heiny and then the stage hands, hand pops into the screen to hand it to her with the label, like flat out towards us. And I thought, did they somehow sponsor this, get some product placement in here? Or are they making a joke about product place? 

Craig: I know, no, I didn’t put that much thought into that.

That escaped you, huh? Yeah. Well, I mean, I noticed, they mentioned Heineken several times. Another interesting thing to me, like. I noticed. Yes, I did notice that they were constantly referring specifically to that brand name of beer. I don’t know anything what that’s about, but you mentioned a Medusa. I feel like they’re, first of all, if you’re interested in trivia, you can read it about how the casting was almost very different.

Um, the woman who ends up playing the woman who ends up playing Raquel, they originally envisioned her as Medusa. They, somebody else. Stand somebody that, uh, we’ve seen a million times. All I can think of him from our gosh, what, what, what’s the photo documentary about the rock band? Why can’t I not spite?

This is spinal tap, right? Yeah. Lloyd something I think is his name. He was originally going to be hairy sheriff that’s right. That’s right. Was originally going to be standard and, and, um, eighties rock. A bad girl. What is her name? Belinda Carlisle was going to be a Suzie, which I totally could see. Um, I could see all of those things, but the, the Medusa character was obviously inspired by those late night horror hosts like Elvira, but there were, you know, there’s Vampira and, you know, even Rhonda shear and all, yeah.

All of those, all of those folks, she was clearly inspired by that. Those things are things that appeal to me and had this moving, not been so intentionally stupid. I think I would have really been on board with it. I love the eighties. I love eighties nostalgia. I loved the exaggeration of Susie’s look, you know, because it was so nice, but it was over the top.

I loved that. Um, I could have even gotten on board with the eighties aesthetic of the house if it hadn’t been so over the top, but everything was so over the top, it just, it didn’t even feel right. Real. Yeah, it didn’t feel authentic. Like I love eighties stuff and I’m, I’m, I’m totally fine. You know, the eighties were a really goofy time.

You look at any of those old 80 movies and it was goofy, but this. So in your face stupid that I just, it just wasn’t for me. And I imagine, you know, this, this movie, it got pulled out of theaters after four days. I’m surprised it made it to theaters at all that it got pulled out of theaters after 14. But supposedly there’s a cult following for it, which really doesn’t surprise me because anything that’s eccentric and off the wall, um, tends to find a cult following.

And that’s great. And if you are somebody. Listeners. If you are somebody who can enjoy the camp of this movie, I applaud that I don’t want to take, in fact, I’m hesitant, can’t even steer people away from it, because if that’s what you’re looking for, if you’re looking for camp, if you’re looking for nonsense, something that you don’t have to devote any kind of thought or attention to.

I mean, that’s what it is. Yeah. I don’t think that I was in the right state of mind for it. I was sober.

I was at work like these. This did not create the experience that I think that you would need to intentionally create. If you want to have friends over and pop some popcorn and order some pizza and drinks. Whatever you want to drink and smoke some, whatever you want to smoke and watch this movie while you can still goof on it and talk and not have to worry about missing anything important.

I think there’s an environment where it could be fun. Yeah. But I was not in that environment.

Todd: I have nothing else to add to that. That’s another one of my childhood memories brought to the harsh light of reality, 

Craig: right?

Yeah. All right. That’s it. Wrap it up.

Well, thanks 

Todd: again for listening to another episode. If you enjoyed it, please share with a friend. You can find us online, just search for two guys in a chainsaw podcast. You’ll find our website, our Facebook page, and our Twitter feed. Leave us a comment there. Let us know what you thought of this movie in this episode.

Give us some other suggestions for a future movies to review as well until that future time. And I’m Craig with Two Guys and a Chainsaw.


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