Transylvania 6-5000

This week's Halloween-appropriate film is a Mel Brooks-ish wannabe that launched to a splash in 1985 and landed with a thud because...well, it's just not that funny.

Not that it doesn't try. With an all-star cast helmed by Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley Jr., and a super-sexy Gina Davis, it should've worked at some level. But maybe the Du Pont Chemical Corporation just isn't cut out to produce films after all. Anyway, even if the laughs are groaners and come from the least-intended places, you could do worse for Halloween. We tend to appreciate this kind of Universal-movie-monster stuff this time of year a little better. Thanks, Vincent, for the request!

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Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Episode 232, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw.

Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd: And today we are very happy to have a special guest on our show. Simone, very big friend of the show. You’ve been a guest on our show. A couple of times say hello to the people, Simone.

Simone: Hey everyone. It’s so good to be back. Very, very long overdue, but I am. So happy to be here today.

Craig: I was trying to think it’s, it’s literally been years, right?

Simone: Since,

yeah. Cause the last episode that was recorded, I think it was like right before I was moving home from Beijing, so,

Craig: Oh gosh. Wow.

Todd: Well, if Simone is on the show, then you know what we’re doing? It, it has to be. Uh, Jeff Goldblum movie, it’s been a couple years. Simone. Why don’t you explain to all of us, your undying love for Jeff Goldblum.

Simone: Okay. Wow. Where do I start?

Todd: Um, we only have an hour.

Simone: Um, my deep love for JGB as I, I guess apparently scribbled down on my notes, but juggle bloom, um, I just think is fantastic and so weird and quirky and yeah, I’ve just been a big, long time fan and I’m on my 25th birthday at a drastic park theme birthday, right. And I was able to get Jeff Goldbloom printed on my birthday cake that year.

Um, and it was the picture of him, like with his shirt, halfway on buttons, kind of like lying down. Um, and, and a few years ago for the holidays, a friend had gifted me, um, a Jeff Goldbloom sequin pillows. So like one way when you got the sequence, it’s like a glittery pillow and then the other side reveals it.

That’s a very fun conversation piece in my house.

Todd: You know, Goldbloom has been with us for a while and he’s been in so many movies, but it seems like lately he’s one of these guys almost like Keanu Reeves. Who’s becoming. A little more popular lately. Like people suddenly think he’s cooler than they used to think he was.

Right. I mean, you’ve always thought he was cool. Of course, I know that, but he’s kind of a, you know, I mean, he has his own unique way of speaking and his own, you know, way of acting. And he’s a, I guess he’s a handsome looking man in his own way, but you know, he’s, he’s been in a number of. Of films from comedies to serious things to dramas.

He played the devil in a movie once. And so he does have a wide range, but lately I’ve seen him a little grayer with his glasses on and suits doing kind of goofy commercials on TV. Yeah.

Simone: Yeah. And he got really into the jazz music scene. He’s a really talented piano or piano player and, um, Even a chef, like he opened up a small food truck called chef gold.

Todd: Yeah,

Simone: I think that’s because I don’t know if it’s because Disney had picked him up and he had made appearances and, um, Thor, Ragnarok, and then he had, uh, a show airing on Disney plus. Um, and so I don’t know, it’s because he’s starting to appeal to like a wider audience now that you just see him more.

Craig: I loved him and Thor, Ragnarok.

I thought he was great. It’s a good movie. And I actually thought about you this week because I saw that he recently recreated that photo that you were just talking about, the, the open shirt photo. Did you see it?

He’s still looking good at like what? 64, something like that. I was impressed.

Todd: It’s taped to the ceiling above her bed right now, Craig. We all know this well, the reason we brought Simone on is we do have another Jeff Goldbloom movie week is a, we’re celebrating our second week of the Halloween season.

Craig and I, as you know, if you’ve been listening to this show for very long, always try to do some Halloween ask or themed movies, movies that take place in Halloween movies to get you the Halloween spirit during this month. And so, uh, this week I just happened to see a request. From one of our listeners Vincent asking for Transylvania six, 5,000.

And I thought, Oh my gosh. So I haven’t seen that since it came out. When I was a kid, when I was a kid, my dad took me to see it in the theater. I just remember this was around the same time as Ghostbusters, I think 1985. And I remember this movie getting a lot of promotion on television. There were the previews for it, and this song, the theme song for it was kind of catchy.

And that was kind of playing in my head at the time. And I guess my dad thought I remember this specifically because it was PG 13, but he was like, Hmm. Okay. I can take you. And I was pretty excited because from all the previews I had seen, Gina Davis, um, has a bit of cleavage in there and I thought, Hmm, this is going to be a good movie.

As long as dad doesn’t reach over and try to cover my eyes up. And you know, the saucy parts, as it turns out. The only thing I remember about this movie is Gina Davis has boobs.

Really excited to go back because I did, you know, it has Frankenstein and mummies and things like that. It just seemed like a very appropriate Halloween requests from Vincent. So thank you, Vincent. We’re going to do what we’re going to talk about this movie. We’re going to talk about Jeff Goldblum today.

Craig, how about you? Did you, have you ever seen this?

Craig: No, no. I’d never seen it before, but the box art is familiar. I feel like it pops up on my streaming services. A lot. And I don’t know why I never watched it because I do like these kind of goofy horror comedies and the guys in it. Jeff Goldbloom and ed Begley jr.

The main guys. I like them both. I think they’re both funny, uh, and talented and I’ve, I’ve seen both of them and other movies that I really enjoyed. And so I was kind of excited that you picked it. Because it, and your memory is really bad, cause it’s really only rated PG. I thought, well, I’ll watch this one with my partner.

Cause it’ll just be goofy and fun and we’ll, you know, we’ll just drink and laugh. And um, we did drink a lot, but we didn’t laugh.

Todd: I’m sure we’ll be laughing a lot more in this podcast I did during this movie,

Craig: man. I don’t know. It’s it’s something.

Todd: It is something. How about you, Simone? Uh, had you watched this before?

Simone: No, this was my first time as

Todd: well. Jeff Goldblum movie, you hadn’t seen before?

Simone: No, I know. And like such a young, fresh Jeff Goldbloom as well, so silly Craig.

Very similarly. I also drank a while watching this movie, my boyfriend, who’s not into it. Scary movies at all. I was like, come on, it’s going to be really goofy and like, silly let’s watch it, but I unfortunately watched it alone, but it was still, you know, Oh my God, the theme song alone. Transylvania.

So, yeah, this wild from start to

Craig: finish,

Todd: played on the radio. Like that is how heavily yeah. That’s how heavily it was. This movie was promoted. Like I, I remember walking into the theater, like humming that song and, uh, and not the Glen Miller song, uh, Pennsylvania, 65,000 upon which the, um, the title of the movie is based.

That’s where that weird. Title comes from and they try to tie it in by saying that the address of the castle, I guess, is Transylvania 65,000. It’s all a little weird as is much of this movie. In fact, the story behind the making of this movie is weird too. It’s crazy because I always I’m one of those guys who always watches the credits to the very end.

And I was pretty shocked toward the end of the movie to see that the main producer of the film was dead. The Dow chemical company. That’s bizarre. And I went onto Wikipedia and I looked this up and saw clearly that this whole movie was really just a way. It’s basically a tax write off. It was way for Dell chemical to get the money they had made in Yugoslavia, out of the country by spending it on a film production in there.

So. They initiated this and I guess they must have contacted a, some, some writers in Hollywood. The, the movie is written and directed by Rudy DeLuca and Rudy DeLuca has his feet pretty firmly in Mel Brooks comedy. He played in a couple of Mel Brooks, his movies before this, the silent movie, um, high anxiety.

He was in Robin hood men in tights and Spaceballs, a couple other movies after this as well, and wrote silent movie and high anxiety as well. So you would think that a movie coming from this plus a guy who was the writer of the Carol Burnett show for 72 episodes would have a pretty solid, hilarious script on his hands.

I’m sure that’s what the Dow chemical company was thinking at the time when they made the movie for $3 million to get the money out of Yugoslavia. But what we ended up with. I think it’s definitely second, third, maybe even forced to your Mel Brooks in my opinion.

Simone: Yeah.

Todd: Disappointing, disappointing all around.

I’m just going to throw my cards on the table.

Craig: I agree with you. It was disappointing because it was really easy to see what they were going for. They were going for a very like young Frankenstein feel, Laurel and Hardy kind of thing. And the. Effort was a parent. It just, for me, it fell flat. Like the jokes didn’t land.

I don’t know. And I read that there were several scenes in the movie where the actors were just told to improvise.

Todd: That was so obvious. And

Craig: also improvise, blocking, and it, it looks like it, even though it looks like they were just making it up as they went along and it looks like they maybe could have used a few more shots.

Um, there’s, there’s one scene in particular with Carol Kane and the guy that she plays opposite of John Byner, I think. Yeah. And they’re both very funny people on their own and they play the servants, this household, and they, the scene where he’s introduced first, he’s like the Butler, like the hunchback Butler and she’s his goofy hunchback wife.

And they’re both so funny. And I was, so I had read before I saw it, that they were going to be improvising this. And then I watched it and I just thought, gosh, these people are both so talented. It almost felt like a waste. Like I love Carol Kane. I think Carol Kane is whole Lariat and she was doing everything she could do.

I suppose it just felt like an elephant profit game, like a college improv game. And I don’t know, I just, wasn’t all that impressed.

Simone: One thing that I wrote down in my notes. Cause I did, I went into this totally blinded and not put in any research at all. Um, and I looked up some stuff afterwards, but I mean, for sure, right off the bat, I was like, this is Brooksie.

Okay. Did a little of that. And then when Carol Kane came on, what I put down was. Their relationship is like me and Kevin and quarantine, where she was like, let me help you with that. There’s a spot right there. There’s a spot right there. Yeah,

Craig: yeah,

Simone: yeah. I’m a teacher. And so over the summer when I wasn’t working and Kevin was working from home, I would be like constantly coming in the room.

Like, do you need anything? Can I get anything for you? Like after a while, like, please. Give me some space.

Craig: Yeah. I don’t know how many times Alan said to me, uh, I’m working

Todd: work time. I realized we’re in the studio.

we all kind of had to do that. Yeah. And that couple actually I thought more or less, they were. A highlight of the movie. And when I say that I it’s a very low bar to be a highlight of the movie. So I’m not saying I was particularly wowed by their performance, but I think what I am saying is that their performances, I think they were better than most of the others because Carol Kane’s got her stick.

Right. I mean, she’s yeah. She’s full on, you know, herself. You might remember her from the princess bride. She’s a miracle Max’s wife.

Craig: She was the mom and licensed to drive. I loved that movie.

Todd: Oh yeah. Yeah.

Simone: Recently she was an unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Craig: Oh yeah. Yeah. She was the landlady funny.

Todd: And she does the same kind of thing.

Right. She has these kind of crazy. Oh, in Scrooged. She was the ghost of Christmas. Yeah. Present, uh, you know, where she’s constantly whacking them over the head she’s in jail versus the volcano. She has this thing that she does really, really well. And it was really welcome in this movie and it fit her character and it was great against her husband, John Boehner and John Boyne, or himself is like a master of, of doing impressions.

Dialects and things. Uh, he he’s really good at that. And he’s, he’s mostly done a lot of voice acting quite honestly. And I think he holds his own. But like you said, you said particularly when you talk about this particular scene kind of a window into how the whole movie felt for me and that is, they didn’t know what to do with the camera.

They had the camera sitting there in just a really long shot following these people around. So it’s kind of boring, like, like the cinematography is kind of flat and boring and then these people are going on and on and on for almost God. That’s gotta be what at least five minutes.

Craig: Maybe it was a long, maybe it was uncomfortably long.

Todd: Yeah. It’s an uncomfortably long scene where it just, you can tell it’s not tight. It kind of meanders and they’re painfully and obviously right in front of our faces, searching for things to do, and they’re finding things to do and they never break character, but one long take watching people improvise.

It just doesn’t come across as clever as for example, Most of your Mel Brooks movies

Craig: are, and it’s just, it’s a shtick that, you know, doesn’t really do much to advance plot or anything, which is fine. I mean, it’s a goofy movie, it’s a comedy with a simple plot, which we’ll talk about very soon, but, you know, I felt the same way about them as I felt about Michael Richards in this movie, Michael Richards, who everybody knows is Kramer from Seinfeld.

This is before that, uh, he’s pretty young in this movie, but he just does his Kramer stick through the whole. Movie, which to be fair, that kind of physical comedy is, is not easy and he’s really good at it, but it just seemed like that was the only purpose of his character was just to Bumble around and fall down a lot and be weird.

Todd: Yeah. He basically disappears after about two thirds of the movie and you don’t see them again. It’s all shtick for the sake of shtick. Right. Like you said, these scenes where we see these people doing these mad cap, things don’t really advance the plot. Like you said, doesn’t really give us any insight.

And doesn’t even necessarily even to seem to fit into the movie, just like, Oh wait, now let’s watch these guys be funny for a while. And then we’ll come back to the movie. Yeah. And there was so much of that in this movie that it, it just gets old after a while and it’s, it’s not as funny to watch it just isn’t.

Simone: Yeah, it drags on a lot is good. Huh? It’s good. Huh? Main line.

Craig: Yeah. Like he’s constantly trying to impress people. I don’t

Todd: know. Come on. Some of it’s really lame too. I mean, There’s one point where he comes out and stops. One of the characters, ed Begley, Jr’s character Gill with a banana peel, and he’s like, Hey, stay right there.

Just watch this, watch this. And he puts a banana peel on the ground. He walks and pretends to slip and fall. Well, does slip and fall on the bunny an appeal. And then he’s like, no, you do it now. You do it now. No, no, no, really you do it. And then he literally just chases him around, trying to get him. Just slip on a banana peel.

I mean, how dumb is this?

Craig: I did chuckle a little bit at the scene where he kept getting body parts stuck in the door. That was kind of,

Todd: that was

Craig: that it was maybe one part where I did chuckle a little bit, but we should get to what the premise of the movie is. It’s silly. It starts out with this, um, Video, it looks almost like found footage of these people, exploring what I guess is supposed to be the out side of a castle. And it’s really brief.

Like they literally just kind of walk up to a door and the guy on camera that was Michael McKeon. Wasn’t it. Um, I don’t think that he’s listed in the cast list, but I’m pretty sure it was Michael McKeon did a lot of the, um, Oh, I can’t think of the guy’s real name, but th the like, waiting for Guffman, a mighty wind best in show.

I’m pretty sure that was him. I’m not sure if he’s credited, but anyway, it doesn’t matter. He stands in front of this door and these arms burst through the door and like, Grab him and carry him away. And it’s supposed to be like a Frankenstein siding. And the people watching this video are Jeff Goldbloom, who plays a guy named Jack and ed Begley jr.

Who plays a guy named Gil. And it just occurred to me today that their names, these are Jack and Jill, like, that’s pretty funny, but, uh, they work for like this tabloid that is run by guilt dad and he tasks them with going to Transylvania too. Try to do a story on this Frankenstein deal. He wants a big headline and Jack, Jeff Goldbloom is very skeptical.

Doesn’t want to do it. But basically the guy says, if you don’t, you’re both fired. And Gil’s like, well, you can’t fire me. I’m your son. And he’s like, well, yeah, I can. And I’m going, I can’t believe we’re talking about this again. I didn’t want to have this conversation one more time. That story on labor exploitation and the implants one, your headline women forced to work in rape factory.

When that was a rope factory, that was a typo, a typo. Besides rape is a grabbers, right? It is a big parabola. You, I army to raise the journalistic level of this paper wrong. I hired you to raise the vocabulary level is paper. I want to keep the journalistic level very low. Why do you think I teamed up with him parents?

So they, they have to go and they do. And you know, as soon as they get their hi-jinks and SU um, I thought it was cute. You know, the second they get there, Jack Goldbloom gets his head turned by this woman named Elizabeth played by Theresa Ganzel, who I recognized. But couldn’t place for a second. So I looked her up and she was the ditzy wife of the rich guy in the toy.

Um, and she was really funny in that. And she’s cute in this movie too. Then he like pursues her throughout the movie and they start doing their investigations. Um, and it doesn’t take very long before weird stuff starts to happen. I guess, you know, they right away, there’s a goofy scene. Well, first of all, they meet the mayor.

Who’s played by Jeffrey Jones, Ferris, Bueller, fame, uh, and many of them, other things. And now sadly kind of notorious cause he got himself into some. Trouble, uh, with some bad stuff, but, uh, they meet him. He’s kind of funny. And then Gil asks the light mate or the concierge at the hotel that they stop at about Frankenstein and the whole town just laughs at them and gives them, you know, all this crap about.

Being stupid Americans who think Transylvania is full of monsters and whatnot, but then they ended up going to the castle and hi-jinks, and you know, that’s kind of it,

Todd: that’s it. Thank you.

Okay. Thanks for joining us. It was, I wish we could have talked about Jeff Goldblum more, but uh, what more is there to say about this movie? Well, they, they go up to the castle and so there’s a big castle in town and there’s a lot of this. Goofiness with the modern and the old, right. So of course this is Transylvania and they have a big castle there.

And as far as I know, Transylvania was where Dracula was supposed to be. Right. So it’s kind of funny that we don’t see anything related to, I mean, we see a vampire in here, but not Dracula. The idea is Frankenstein. It was Frankenstein from Transylvania too.

Craig: I don’t remember. I don’t Mary Shelley was British wasn’t she?

I don’t remember. I don’t know.

Todd: I mean, Frankenstein anyway. Anyway, we went to the castle and as you had said earlier, um, they have this bell hop guy about the grounds. Uh, who’s played by. Uh, Michael Richards and, uh, he’s just goofy. He answers the door with a little pop in. And does he,

Simone: that was wild.

Craig: It was kind of funny,

Todd: funny little

Craig: puppet.

Wasn’t it like a baby, like a baby with a mustache or something?

Todd: Well, it’s a complete non-sequitur and that made it really funny there at the beginning. It’s just, there’s no reason. Yeah. But then you realize that he is whole thing. His, this character’s thing throughout the movie is he’s trying to make things funny because this castle they’re trying to turn into a resort to capitalize on the popularity of Transylvania being notorious for having monsters.

Even though again, The mayor and everybody say there aren’t any monsters. And then there’s that movie thing where as soon as they walk inside, The mayor that they saw when they got off the bus, just, you know, an hour or so later happens to also be up there at the castle, greeting them. And it turns out he’s the owner of that resort as well, trying to make it a Disney world.

Right. Of a,

Simone: yeah, he said he’s like receiving it like Disneyland. And I think he calls the caretaker Michael’s character as like the token brute. So I don’t know if. Like a brute is supposed to mean like a, a more simple person or what, but yeah, that’s, that’s kind of the, the thing he was going for

Craig: funny, they it’s like, everything is gimmicky.

Like they serve their drinks out of beakers and, um, Like, it’s all supposed to be like mad scientist kind of thing. I, on paper, it sounds really fun and cute. It just, that’s kind of it like, it’s supposed to be like this theme park, amusement park or whatever, but really kind of the goofy serving of the food is, is kind of the only female thing.

Aside from that it’s in a castle. Um, I don’t know. Maybe it’s in the early days, maybe they’re still gonna be ramping it up,

Todd: but doing market research, I guess. Yeah, cause it’s right here, the tiny little table in front of them, you know, it’s not, it’s the very beginnings of this poor little place trying to do something, I guess, if you’re going to be generous about it.

So they’re there and I guess these guys get rooms there. Michael Richards comes in and does more stick with them at the table, which totally feels like improv and probably was Gil goes down to check out the chapel. Which is where that, that video was originally filmed, where the monster to attack those guys in the woods.

And he just walks in there, wanders around an empty room, a chandelier, almost swings into him. And then he bumps into a mysterious stranger who pops in through the door. And he’s like, what are you doing here?

Craig: I’m inspector check. But the question is whether you are doing here,

Todd: I

Craig: heard they were having a novena, no vena.

Isn’t this, our lady of perpetual sorrow. No, I must be in the wrong church. Right, right, right. So like, who is, who is the mysterious inspector and why does the mysterious inspector want to keep them away from the church? And, um, then as he’s walking away, he walks by this old gypsy woman who kind of like gives them a sign or something.

And so he goes in and talks to her and she says, There is a monster and he’s like Frankenstein and she’s like, no, Oh, werewolf. And his name is Lawrence Melbourne that she’s like, he’s my son. And you must destroy him. Uh,

Todd: so they,

Craig: so they like go. To this, I guess, to the address that the gypsy gave him, the both of them, Jackie and Gill go.

And they’re just like standing right outside behind this tiny little

yeah. In their like suits

Simone: business suits just casually.

Craig: And this guy, this old guy comes out and like, he looks up at the moon, which Gil thinks is a sign that he must be aware of. Well, and they start following him and he starts shedding his clothes and they lose them for a second. And then they end up in this kind of clearing. They hear these like grunting and growling noises and they look over and they see, see these bushes shaking.

So they think that he must be transforming in these bushes. Um, so they go and they move the bushes aside and it’s not a werewolf. It’s just that old guy banging some like. Wench

director of the movie. I think he had set it up so that the shot, when they opened the bushes would just be his bare ass. Uh, yeah, you’re looking right up at them, but I guess to keep the rating low, they ended up cutting that part, which I wish they wouldn’t have. Cause that would have been funny, you know, werewolf full moon.

Get it.

Oh man. All right, I’m done. Go ahead.

Todd: I mean, so then we’re done with that little shtick and then, uh, they go back and go back to sleep in their respective rooms in the castle. Gil wakes up in the middle of the night and looks over and thinks he sees a woman standing in the window. Of his bedroom, but when he rubs his eyes and looks back, she’s not there.

Uh, and then he goes back to sleep and we see the woman is back there. She’s holding a Cape over her face. And, uh, he wakes up, he looks back over again and, and, and she’s not there. And then eventually he wakes up and she’s right there next to him, pretty much breathing down his neck and he screams and he jumps up.

And then she’s gone and he pulls in Jack and it’s like, Hey, there’s a, there was a woman, a woman in here. I saw her she’s, you know, like a vampire or something like that. Uh, and he says, no, I don’t know who you’re talking about. It’s Gina Davis, Gina Davis. His character in this movie is like a female vampire.

Character. And she’s got a nice dress on once again. The only thing I ever remembered from this movie as a nine year old boy, eight year old boy. Um, nice rack.

Craig: Yeah, it’s very Elvira or Vampira. Um, and she’s very young and stunningly beautiful. Like everybody in this movie is like eight feet tall, including her.

And, you know, this dress is cut down, I think all the way, like to her Naval. And she looks really good. I think, uh, she and Jeff Goldblum on three movies together and were lovers for a while. Right. Um, but I think this was the first time they had worked together. And I think that Goldbloom recommended her.

I’m not sure how they knew each other at that point, but this start, you know, they did this and they did the fly that had earth. Girls are easy. I don’t think they have a single scene together in this movie, which is unfortunate because they have really good chemistry. But, uh, anyway, she looks great and it’s, it’s cool to see her as it is cool to see Goldbloom and ed Begley jr.

Earlier in their careers when they were still. Young, not that any of them look bad today, they all look great today. But, uh, uh, it’s just kind of a little glimpse into the past.

Simone: Yeah. Yeah. When they were like kinda young, I’m just figuring it out as, as these new actors stepping on the screen and man, and to like what I thought was interesting.

And I know, um, the, as I called her hot mom, Elizabeth, um, her character, although is. It’s small plays an important part by the end of it. There’s that other subplot where Jeff Goldbloom or Jay track goes on, you know, he’s trying to like get with Elizabeth. As you mentioned earlier, Craig, like two minutes in, just fresh off the bus, flirting, his little heart out and they go end up going on this date and try and start a relationship.

It’s. That, that part was interesting.

Craig: Yeah. It’s it’s cause he’s in my notes. I have he’s gold blooming on Elizabeth. Like he’s totally laying on the Goldbloom charm with her. Um, but at this point, you know, she’s playing it very coy and she’s got this daughter and as soon as they, they like, they go on like a little, I don’t know if it’s a picnic, but they just go and sit kind of in this clearing in the woods during the daytime and they immediately ignore.

The daughter who just makes a beeline to the floor. Yeah. And at some point Gil comes in is like, I don’t know if he knew the daughter was gone or he knew Frankenstein was around or something, but they realize that the daughter has gone and gold. Bloom’s like what happened? And I said out loud to the TV, uh, you weren’t paying any attention to her as you ran into the woods, what did you think was going to happen?

But she does run into what appears to be Frankenstein in the woods. And this, I liked this scene for the literary illusion because, and I don’t even know if it is, it’s been, I’ve only read Frankenstein once in high school. So it’s been so long, but in the classic film version, there’s a great scene with.

The monster and a little girl who’s blind. And so isn’t scared of him and they have this really sweet moment. And I’ve talked about this before on the show, but that they’re like throwing flowers and flower pedals into the river. And when they’re they, when they run out of flowers to throw in the river, the monster, I don’t think maliciously, I think just playfully picks up the little girl and throws her in the river.

She dies.

Todd: Yeah. It’s so hilarious, Greg.

Craig: So there’s that, there’s a similar scene in monster squad with Phoebe and the monster. And there’s. This one too. And so, uh, I liked it. It was cute. I thought it was a nice little throwback to that original movie, but we don’t know what’s going on. We just see them encounter one another and then that’s kind of it before that they had also gone to visit a sanatorium and this scene was so stupid, so stupid that it was so close to funny.

I mean, when they’re. Approaching the sanatorium. They’re like walking behind this waist level wall. And anytime anybody looks in their direction, they just like pop down and below the wall. Again, these guys are each like six, three, and so are not inconspicuously. All and so it just looks so silly for them to keep popping up and down, but hind this tiny wall.

And then they, they look in and yeah, and see, I don’t know, they think something weird is going on or whatever, and it’s all behind this big wall and the guards won’t let them in, but there’s a great shtick where. Goldbloom keeps telling Gil to jump over the wall. And then as soon as he does, he alerts the guards, like he tells him to start climbing in and he does, and then Goldbloom just standing there by himself.

On the outside of the fence is like, Uh, patient escaping patients escaping. So they run over and grab him. Cause they think that he’s trying to get out, not in, and then he looks around in there for a little while and then when he’s trying to get out, um, Goldbloom shouts. So when he’s trying to get it and somebody’s trying to get in, so they grab him and throw him back over the outside.

So dumb. But I have to admit, I at least smiled. Cause it was so stupid.

Todd: Yeah. Some of that, Jeff Goldbloom smarts going on there, you know, the real intent out of the box. Jeff Goldblum thinking bright Simone.

Simone: Oh yeah.

Todd: Oh yeah. And he’s at the sanatorium. He encounters a. Doctor there. And this doctor has supposedly through some weird research that he did earlier.

Some he goes to the library and then like, it’s like what? There’s a scene. Yeah. Earlier where Goldblum’s character asks, um, ed Begley, Jr’s character, Jack asks, what did you find? And he’s like, Oh, I didn’t really find much of it. Anything, except apparently this there’s this doctor working at the Sanitarium whose license has been revoked.

And so, Oh, that’s mysterious. So that’s kind of their whole reason for being there. He gets in there and he peaks in the window at the same time. The mayor. And that inspector are visiting the doctor and they’re asking them for the records and the doctor’s pulling out records. And the doctors, it seems like a lot of his patients are actually being recorded as dead.

And they’re like, that’s unusual then all of this was just kind of really tenuous stuff. Um, how all this kind of fit together and the motivations of these characters to be investigating each other or whatever. Am I on the right page here? I don’t know.

Simone: Well, this and this they’re supposed to be like a total play off of dr.

Jacqueline, mr. Hyde, right? Like just the, like how he would be very calm and then he would get all anxious and crazy and like want to go after you. And

Craig: yeah, it’s dependent on space, which I thought was. Funny, like the second he steps into his lab, he turns into crazy mad doctor and he signals that by intentionally messing up his hair to make him look like a crazy man.

Todd: And that’s looking at back what he gets.

Craig: Yeah. The second he steps out, he slips it back and he’s normal again. I don’t know. I mean, as far as stick goes, it’s pretty funny. And, and, uh, the actor does do a good job of. Uh, uh, a clear distinction between the two characters. So that was kind of funny going back to when the girl is lost in the forest, they go in there and look for her.

And I don’t remember if they see them or not. This is where my notes, my handwriting is getting a little bit. Bad cause I had been drinking. So it’s a little bit buzzy. There’s also a moment where Gil like steps into a marshy swampy area and an arm reaches up and grabs his balls and then he runs away.

And so like there’s a swamp creature and then Goldbloom gets attacked by a werewolf. But I guess he gets away as it turns out, like. There are all these monsters and they’re all somehow connected to this doctor. And eventually we all, we see them all converge there. Um, and it’s unclear what’s going on. I don’t know

Simone: if it would work. And, um, I would just like to also take this moment to give my beautiful lush chef’s Italian kiss to one of the most, best cinematic screams of all time when Jeff called blue kids jacked in the forest, and it’s just.

You knew Jeff Goldblum.

Craig: Oh

Todd: man, back at the lab, right where the lab is, is underneath the castle. It’s like in the dried out moat bank, underneath the bridge of the castle. And, uh, that is where, and, and, and everybody knows about it, I guess, except for the mayor. And. And the inspector and the people who are visiting, because even that,

Craig: yeah, the hunchback couple

Todd: are there and they’re apparently the doctor’s minions, I guess, I guess

Craig: like, like is Igor.

Right. Um, and Gina Davis has chained up in there, which I still am. Not sure I understand why she was chained up in there.

Todd: Oh, I don’t even understand. Why she was there at all in retrospect.

Craig: Yeah. I don’t really, either as it turns out and I may be skipping things, but this is all I can remember as it turns out like through investigation, they, the guys, the reporters figure out that actually the bad guys are the mayor and the inspector.

And what they’re doing is they’re taking all of these undesirables and locking them up. In this sanitorium. And even though it appears, yeah, like the dr. Frankenstein guy, whatever his name is like, Scott, you know, all of these creatures and it appears that maybe he’s responsible for making them that way.

Like, he’s got a mummy in there as it turns out. These are all these undesirables that the. Uh, mayor has tried to get rid of by putting them in the stands  and the doctor is actually trying to, to help them, but the towns, people don’t know that. And so when in Frankenstein there they’re all searching what they’re supposed to be searching for this missing girl, but there’s actually, there’s also a wine festival going on.

And so everybody’s kind of distracted by that. And the girl’s mom is ticked off and, you know, marches into the wine festival to demand, to know why they aren’t looking for a daughter. But then. We see Frankenstein carrying the daughter towards town and she’s perfectly fine. And in fact, she’s really tired.

So he just tell her to go to sleep, which she does. But, uh, when he’s walking, going into town, she’s dangling there in his arms asleep. And so they all think that she’s dead and he approaches, um, and he lays her down. And the mom approaches and the girl wakes up. And so, you know, everybody knows the girls fine, but they still, because this guy is monstrous, they attack him and grab him and tie him up on like a Pyre.

And they’re going to burn him until the reporters. And the doctor and all of the freaks show up to clear everything up. And there’s a whole big explanation scene of what’s going on so silly, but very eighties, um,

Todd: where, where suddenly the villain has revealed the Scooby doo moment.

Craig: They have a hard time convincing the townspeople and there is it’s soak.

I hesitate to say funny, cause that may be kind of a stretch, but a silly moment where Jeff Goldbloom is trying to convince the crowd, the angry mob, um, not to burn. This guy who, as it turns out was just a guy who was like in a terrible accident or something, and was totally dismembered and disfigured.

And the doctors put him back together. But, uh, he’s trying to rile up the crowd. Meanwhile, gills in the crowd, like running around, popping up in different parts of the crowd. Yeah. Listen to him like snatching off women’s wigs and putting them on. Yeah. What he said, listen, listen, like. So dumb,

Todd: it’s dumb and funny shtick that honestly, if you had seen it in a Mel Brooks movie, it would have been executed better here.

It just looked sloppy. Right? It was like, I don’t know if this is the way it was shot or the reactions of everybody else, but it just. Was didn’t seem as sophisticated as this unsophisticated humor can be. This man

Craig: is  after a car accident, his body was mangled and he was partially paralyzed, but some people here in your town couldn’t stand the sight of him.

So they got them transferred from intensive care to your phony rest home where I performed reconstructive surgery. Yes. Why or am I not send bolts? Oh, could I, do they take the money? Not the government gives them. Fix them up, put it in his

Todd: pocket and the mummy they, that we’ve seen a little bit on and off in this turns out to be a woman who was in an accident needed plastic surgery.

Craig: I don’t think she was even in an accident. I think she, I think she was just really ugly. Right. She was just really ugly and they didn’t want to look at her. So they put her away. And she was, she was wrapped in all of these bandages. He’s like I had to keep her wrapped up so that she could heal, but now she’s ready and he unwraps her and she’s this buxom like Amazon and she like looks at her boobs.

It’s like, I’m never challenged on the sign curse.

Todd: Okay. Oh, like what 12 year old wrote this film?

Simone: Yeah. And that werewolf was just born with a genetic disorder or something and they were, they were working on a cure and he revealed his chest is all barren because I can go to the beach. Now. They all have these revelations of reveal. So funny. Yeah.

Todd: And they send the doctor.

I have basically been siphoning off the money. That’s supposed to go for the treatment of these people, uh, you know, putting it in their own pockets. So it’s been up to the doctor to miss, you know, to secretly, I guess now, in retrospect that we’re talking it all out, he was sort of faking their deaths for the mayor and inspector’s purpose, but taking them back to his lab, chaining them up.

And putting them in cages as spirited worked on them, it’s all kind of messed up when you think about it.

Craig: Yeah. Well, but then, you know, it’s the classic eighties in where? Oh, it was all just a big misunderstanding and the hunchback couple it’s revealed that they have a son who’s also a hunchback, but eventually don’t, they just all just kind of stand up straight,

Todd: stand up straight song.

Okay.

Craig: And there’s a little moment where Gill and the werewolf lady, Gina Davis are sitting in a, uh, like a carriage and they go to start to kiss it. Gil’s like first take these out. And he reaches in her mouth and pulls out her fangs. And they’re just like fake Halloween fangs. And he’s like, you don’t have to pretend anymore.

And she’s like, Oh, but I want to, because it makes me sexy or something. And he’s like, you’re sexy on your own without. And she’s like, no, I’m hideous

Todd: far from it.

Craig: And then she she’s like, look at my nose and he does. And he’s like, ah, but then break it. The Frankenstein guy, like taps him on the shoulders, like give her a nose job. What

Todd: I gave her a nose job.

Craig: I don’t know I was drunk.

Todd: I don’t anyway, all is fine and good. And that’s the end of the movie

Craig: party

Todd: literally have a dance party.

Craig: Where are we? We get, you know, all these, uh, uh, tabloid style photos of all of these different monsters, having a great time dancing, but. As it turns out, you know, it works out for everybody because Jack and Gill get their story. In fact, they get a whole bunch of stories. They get a werewolf, they get a mummy, they get Frankenstein, they get a swamp.

Sure. And so, you know, we see all of these great headlines. I don’t remember what any of them are. I didn’t write them down, but they’re pretty funny. Yeah.

Simone: If they were anyone, any similar to the ones that we saw in the beginning, like are aliens using your body for sex while you sleep or, and liked it?

Craig: I feel like, I think one of them was vampire sucks. Transylvania dry.

Todd: I don’t care,

Craig: but it was, I don’t know, it was kind of funny. And then that’s just it, you know, like it, I feel like it ends there and it’s goofy and silly and it, it feels like it was trying to go for a monster mash type vibe. Maybe, you know, I think maybe if I were a kid, this might have been funny, like a young kid and maybe if I had seen it when I was a kid.

There would be that nostalgia. Um, but I didn’t, I’m seeing it as a 40 something and, uh, yeah, it just didn’t, it just didn’t read. In fact, as we were watching it, I said to my partner, several times we can turn this off. Like I can finish it myself. And he was like, no, it’s fine. Just let’s just walk. Um, so we did finish it, but, uh, It was kinda, it was kind of a struggle to get through.

Todd: Nobody liked this movie when it came out, nobody, it was, it was very critically panned. It’s got an 18% on rotten tomatoes. Leonard Maltin did a, the shortest and one of his most notorious, notorious reviews he’s ever done. Where on entertainment tonight, he simply played the Pennsylvania 65,000 and saying along with it, and then after the Pennsylvania 65,000 said, Sucked,

maybe he said stunk. I think it’s maybe what he said on entertainment tonight, but yeah, that was it. A one word review. So, uh,

Craig: that he was very proud of moving forward. It’s like one of his favorite reviews that he’d ever given, but I have to agree with them and. I have to wonder this, this didn’t seem like a labor of love for anybody.

It felt like they, the, the, the makers of the movie, the producers, they just had to spend this money, or they were going to lose it. And so it just feels like they threw something together and it just doesn’t. There’s there’s I don’t feel any passion behind it. I don’t feel. It just seems like they just kind of went through the movie, the motions to make a movie, like, let’s just wait, we got to spend the money.

Let’s just make a movie. And so they did. And that’s how it turned out, I guess.

Todd: Well, they made a little over 7 million off of a $3 million budget and I guess they got their money out of the Yugoslavia. So it must have worked out for the Dow chemical company, but you don’t see them turning into major film producers after this.

How about you, Simone? What did you think. What are your final thoughts?

Simone: It was very silly and like, I just think it just, it perfectly shows a very. Funny silly 1985 or comedy love story. Why?

I think if anything that we can take out of this, especially is that, um, October is also known as 31 days of Goldbloom because Jekyll Bloom’s birthday is on the 22nd of this month.

Um, I think that watching this film this month during his birthday, Memphis, that was, was very appropriate.

Craig: Yeah. And it is it’s for the Halloween season, you know, I, I completely understood why you picked it, you know, to have all of these different monsters, familiar monsters, like the universal monsters in one movie.

On paper. It sounds great. And it makes perfect sense why you would choose it for October. Um, I just, I honestly wish it had been better. I wanted to like it. I wanted it to be good. Uh, it, but it wasn’t

Todd: sadly. Well, thank you anyway, Vincent, for giving us a good Halloween movie to review for giving Simone another excuse to come on our show and talk about Jeff gold.

Simone: What a treat. Thank you so much.

Todd: And thank you Simone for coming on our show again and chatting about Jeff Goldbloom and the movie we really enjoyed.

Craig: Yeah, thanks.

Todd: And for the rest of you, you can find us online, two guys in a chainsaw, just search for us. And if you liked this episode, please share it with a friend, give us some requests. So what any movies you’d like us to do during this Halloween season? And we’ve got other holidays coming up, but we’d love to hear those and honor those.

Thank you again, Vincent for this one as well this week until next time I’m Todd

Craig: and I’m Craig with

Todd: with Two Guys and a Chainsaw.


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